frankly i dont care anymore

i have to ask you



why have we never really loved eachother
and should i even try to get you out of my head

you have been there for about 14 years now
yes there were times i didnt think about you
but you were always that part of me that was impossible to neglect

and now


after nearly 7 years of trying to neglect it

i have to look myself straigt in the eye and say: stop the bullshit.

whatever i am going to do with my life

you will be a part of it



not necessarily as a caring friend
and of course not necessarily as a lover


but you were always that voice in my head
an thats what you'll always be

you will always be the one whose name is enough to give me a feeling of secrecy
because its been a secret what you mean to me
for seven years now


so what am i going to do about it


maybe i should give you exactly these written words

but what then?


the huge problem here is: i made a vow to another man.

and i dont intend to break it


on the other hand i have to give up trying to forget you
the energy isnt worth it - it wont work.


your in my head - i think about you every fucking day

when i sometimes randomly hear a voice nearly as dark and warm as yours - i shiver and all that i am wishes it would be you. knowingly you are far away. well not that far actually.


so, anyway. I havent figured out what i am going to do about it - yet.

but i realised it is pointless to work on forgetting you.


so i willingly give you my last thought before falling asleep

and my most intense thought when i am solitary will be thought about you - the farer i am away from my life and my people, the brighter you shine in my head. it will be that way.


maybe i will watch you one day being a father and a husband - with another woman and i life that makes you happier than i ever could.

maybe i'll have kids on my own - and maybe even a happy life without you.


i guess thats just on of these unfinished things that happen in life.
a love that was always there but never had any space.
a love that was always growing without any closeness.
a love without any chance to prove and fail.

i dont know what is to come

but i know im not watching out anymore
i will relentlessly think about you forever

and never truly get to know whether you are that person


thats the most likely way

so

like this


i can say

love you forever

and never tell you.

and i will just have to deal with that and never try to end it again.. i guess there are bigger inconsitencies in life than that.