How can I possibly love him so much

after all these years

in the middle of the night - one of the rare nights i don't spend with him - i stay awake looking for old photographs of him, photographs that show how he was before he met me, what kind of women were around him, how his face and his hair changed etc.

How can I be in love with him - so deeply after all what we've been through..
What we've been through... i don't know whether it should make me love him even more or stop my love at all...

on the other hand:
how can the other - that dark eyed stranger - confuse me so much when he's around? so much that i could not forget him by now, though I didn't see him for I think three weeks or somethin... and won't see him vor another 4 weeks.
at least i know the calender pretty well when it comes to him.. i know when i see the guy again.
but who is that guy?

is he just a metaphor, just an expression for something happening anyways?
or is he not a symptom but the reason for the sudden sickness that grabs my heart when i think of him?
the stupid hours i spend on his facebook profile (which shows only one half-picture of him) without adding him-what do they mean?

there is a reason i don't add him. It would be some kind of commitment to him - some kind of giving up my secret struggle against these sweet feelings...

when i saw him the last time, there was a strange thought coming up in my mind: the wish to forget him was beaten by the fear that he might forget me - and the wish that he wouldn't forget me.





how bad can it get?